Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Virtual dating

Well, after my last wonderful date (remember the jacking-off incident?) I took a break from the online dating thing. But I decided to get back into the game. So, I've been searching for Mr. Wonderful. Apparently they don't just land in your living room while you're sitting around watching t.v. They say you've got to do a little work. I'm on 3 different online dating sites. I decided to compile some lists to make my search a little more interesting. Here we go.

Two of the sites requires you to have an opening line.

"I am man." I should hope so if you're coming up in my search for "males".
"Can you complete me?" Can you come up w/something more original?
"I totally rock!" Good for you?
"Any funny, fun, attractive, cool girls out here?" or "Anyone fun and interesting out there?" Nope, the world's a boring, unattractive world full of boring, depressed, ugly, very uncool girls. Sorry to disappoint you--looks like you're going to be alone forever.
"Hello ladies..." Is it just me or do you immediately think of Joey from Friends? And, do you really want to be dating Joey? I don't know, maybe someone does.
"He cleans up nicely." So, all the other times he's what?
"Now what could be wrong with this face?" Do you really want me to answer that?
"Dancing w/myself." Great, keep doing that...it just sounds wrong.
"Let's spice up a life." Whose life? Can we really spice anyone's life? Okay!!
"I am looking for a women to make me happy." Grammar people!!
"Hello gals! I love women, women, women and I hope they love me." I don't even know what to say about that one...

All the sites ask you to describe yourself. I found that every single guy loves to bike, travel, work out, is in excellent shape, is really funny, loves to laugh (thank goodness!) ... Wow! What a fit, healthy, happy world we live in. And I thought it was going to be hard to find a great guy. Silly me. Here's one I immediately wanted to respond to "I'm earning my master's of fine arts in film and my schedule is booked up rather air tight." Great! I've been looking for someone who has no time for me. My favorites are teh ones who tell you they're looking for a girlfriend, but give you no information about themselves. What do I have to go on to show any interest????

I sound horribly bitter, I know. But I just don't understand why the world can't be as perfect as I am. (Umm, yes, that's a joke. And, yes, you can stop laughing now...it wasn't that funny was it?) So in an attempt to sound a little more positive...

Here are some of favorites that made me "smile" or "wink" at them.
Username: Naughty_artist --I just couldn't resist.
Opening lines:
"That's me on the left, solving world hunger...AGAIN!"
"Rich doctor seeking arm candy."
"Something in the way she moves me."
"STOP! Click here for a good laugh with a great guy." Then it opens, "Well it made you stop didn't it?" It did. He sounded cute.
Username: "Partly Sunny"; Opening line: "Partly cloudy" --how cute is that?

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The God of Small Things

That title of a book sticks in my mind and pops up occassionally. Like today.

The small things: finishing a book, not having to run to catch the Metra and a happy shuttle bus driver

Last night I finished an incredible book called the Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini. This is an incredible book. It's a coming-of-age story about two boys in Afghanistan. It's a moving story that reveals an Afghanistan that I wasn't too familiar with but was. If you need something to read--read this. I could not put the book down and finished it in 3 days. And then I dreamt about the characters. That's when you know a book's made an impression on you--when you start dreaming about the characters as if they are real people in your life.

All week I've been riding the Metra 'cos I'm having car issues. Most days (as Jewell will atest to) I have to run to catch the Metra 'cos I'm always running late. I didn't have to do that today. Yippee. Once I got to my destination (the Lake Bluff stop) and onto my shuttle bus to get to work, I found a very happy shuttle bus driver. Here is this man whose job is to drive people from the train station to Abbott Park (my place of employment) and maybe to drive people in-between buildings around the Abbott campus. That's it folks. He sits behind the wheel of this shuttle bus day after day driving around people. But, I tell you, he could not be happier doing it. I got on the bus to find "Mellow Yellow" by Donovan blasting on the radio and a very happy driver greeting each and everyone of us with a smile and "Good Morning! Great to see you! Welcome aboard!" The only other person who made such an impression on me was the toll booth collector whom I haven't seen in years. He was such a happy person collecting toll. Their happiness puts my life in perspective for me.

It's really all about the small things and a good attitude. On that note, here's to a happy Wednesday! (At least until I take my car to the mechanic and he tells me what the damage will be.)

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Boys, boys, boys

Will they ever learn? Being single and dating is always so much fun...and interesting. As a result of my last date, and subsequent conversations w/my girlfriends, I thought I'd help out some single boys/men and point out some don'ts of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or really any dates (unless there is mutual agreement--mutual means she would like this behavior as much as you!).
  • Do not order for your date--yes, we are in 2004 and we are quite capable of ordering for ourselves.
  • If you invite her to dinner, let her eat dinner (that means an entree).
  • No matter how excited you are, do not jack-off on your date's bed when you're on a 2nd date. Or really, any date. Take it home, honey 'cos honestly, it's no turn on for us.
  • Do not rip off your date (i.e. don't pocket the change that's hers, etc.).
  • No matter what a great "rack" she has, "you have a nice set there" is not a compliment. Neither are "I'd like to get my hands on those" or "Damn, what size are you?"
  • Do not tell your date you got a "hard-on" standing behind her at a show. Again, not a turn for us and it won't get you anywhere fast.
  • Do not hop in the first cab that comes your way and say see ya, leaving her waiting for the next cab. I don't care if you lost the game of pool or darts.
  • Do not leave her waiting for a bus alone in a bad neighborhood. I don't care if you don't have a car, be courteous enough to make sure she gets on the bus.
  • No matter how beautiful your date's lips are, it's not okay to tell her she has great lips for a blow-job. Again, not a compliment.
  • Do not talk about the only girlfriend you had--back in highschool, who left you with a broken heart that's left you not trusting women. Actually, go ahead and talk about it. It'll give us a chance to get rid of you faster and neither of us will have wasted any time.
  • Don't chew with your mouth open, or allow food to fly out of your mouth. Actually, this is a general tip--remember this whenever you're eating in other's company.
Friends, please help out any single men you know and pass this on to them.